He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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