Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
