I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
