Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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