i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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