You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
