The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
