I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
