She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
