I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
