And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
