I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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