Whatcha textin bout Willis?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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