Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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