splinters make it hard to masturbate
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
