Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
cat food counts as protein by the way
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
