So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize