Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i used baking grease as lip gloss
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
