Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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