you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
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