wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
