got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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