Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
