i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
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