He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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