Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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