I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Randomize
