It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
