well he's currently spooning the coffee table
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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