My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
