Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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