porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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