you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
