is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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