Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
