i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
