At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
