Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
