So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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