I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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