I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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