Just fell off a train. Bad.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
we're so committed to being not committed
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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