Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
