and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
