I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
