Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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