I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
