While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
