I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
