What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
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