the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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