someone threw a dead crab at me
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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