I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
