called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Randomize
