Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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