so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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