I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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