this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
